Evaluation

Final evaluation time. I just completed C.P.E. unit eleven. Wow, what a journey. I think you have to be just a little bit crazy to do this kind of thing and I certainly fit that description. I'm not a lot crazy, just a little bit crazy.

I'm working through a number of different things right now but the highlights are as follows:

1. Claiming my strengths. I seem to have an incessant need to highlight my struggle, my abusive past, my illness and not enough highlight the fact that I've got some real strengths like the fact that I have survived a lot of difficult things, that I chose relationships with people that guided me, that I chose to get an education, that I chose to learn about myself so that I can be a decent husband and father. Yeah, sometimes I can get passive in my life but considering what I've had to survive I think I stand up for myself pretty well. I can hold my own with most people, most of the time and not only survive but thrive in my personal and professional relationships. People tend to like me. I'm not the most charismatic person out there, but people are drawn to me because they sense that I really care about them and the world around us. I'm not apathetic at all. I'm a deep thinker with a big heart. I don't always know how I'm using them all the time, but I'm gifted with both and use both in my life and ministry. I tend to see the world too much in terms of black and white, either/or, but a benefit of this is that I have a strong sense of justice and am drawn to considering what is right or wrong. Because of this, I can be really hard on myself and others for doing the right thing. The strength for me is that I am always pushing myself to learn, grow and be better.
2. Theologically, I am still working on articulating my belief around how God is active in the world, where I see grace in my life and in the life of others and what really is the nitty gritty of sin. I want to continue working on articulating how God is in relationship with us in our sinful nature, our distortion. Exactly who are we outside of our distortions? Grace is accepting of us but it is also a call to justice and to love. Where do I see God in my story and what do I do with that. I think I am really on the edge of a theological breakthrough here and hope to write about that in the blog more and more. Plus, if I can't understand how my theology impacts my work with students and patients, it is not all that useful to me. At the moment, I'm not sure I can really articulate that very well.
3. Living with chronic illness. Learning to be whole and broken at the same time is a new way of looking at life. We are either broken or whole. It never occured to me that we can be both at the same time. Understanding that will go a long way for me to use this experience as a resource for my ministry. I can not escape my illness, but I can understand my self and my relationships in midst of that better and to use the reality of this experience to help me understand God deeper and to understand who we are in relationship with God deeper.

As I go into a new unit, a new year, and face major surgery, these are three things I hope to work on. This has been a difficult year in many ways, but a rewarding one is many other ways. I have learned and grown a lot. My body has failed me in many ways, but my spirit has strengthened. I pray that this next year is one full of continued learning. I have a feeling that there is no way that it can't be.

A Christmas Blessing

As a man, I can have no knowledge of what the miracle and pain of birth feels like. Yet, as the moment of the Christian calendar arrives in which I will once again celebrate the birth of God with us, I can't help but think of the ways in which all of us are called to create beauty out of our pain.

Today, for instance, has had a large amount of pain for me. I am suffering in ways I have never experienced. Yet, as I write about my pilgrimage in C.P.E. I am aware of how difficult and painful it is to write about my current journey. I do not yet have perspective. I am still in the midst of the labor pains and have not yet had the joy or satisfaction of holding the newborn, the beautiful creation I am birthing. This is not to say that my suffering is so that I might birth something beautiful into my life. Rather, my suffering is life as it is and my choices are to birth something beautiful through the pain of my suffering or to become victimized by it and allow a part, or all, of me die in the process. I choose to find beauty in this.

Christmas, the nativity, is not all happiness and lights. A young unmarried woman must still go through the process of birth in less than ideal conditions in less than ideal times. I imagine the first Christmas morning was far less romantic than sitting around a fireplace with tinsel and garland, egg nog and hot cocoa. No, the night of Jesus' birth was one filled with pain, fear and uncertainty. Even the joy of holding the newborn was probably tempered by the harsh realities of the political atmosphere, financial hardships and social taboos. I suppose this is what makes the Story of Emanuel so wonderful. I guess as I suffer, I need to know that life can come forth from such pain. I guess I need to know that suffering can some how be redeemed.

I do not believe that God caused my suffering or my pain, at least not directly. I suppose, ultimately, God is responsible for the fabric of life in which my self resides in which pain and suffering is a natural consequence. But I do not believe God willed my Crohn's Disease. I do however believe that God wills new life and salvation to come out of the most obscure and unlikely of situations. The birth of our savior in Bethlehem is a Story that proves that. So, as I struggle in my pain and struggle to understand my life in the midst of that, I am comforted knowing that this Christmas, I have a deeper and fuller understanding of Emanuel, God with us, than I ever have before. I see my whole life in a deeper and more fulfilling way despite the pain and in some ways because of it.

So I, have a birthing process of my own. It has its own pain naturally associated with that, but it also has the most profound potentiality for beauty in my life at the moment. I am excited to hold that in my loving arms. It is loving and holding God, for sure, but it is also loving and holding myself.

Merry Christmas!

Eating the Strawberry

Today I am reminded of the Zen koan of the delicious strawberry. Hanging between two tigers, I find myself reaching for the strawberry and enjoying its delicious taste!

So, my stomach has grown to the size of a small mountain. My belly is very distended and I am very uncomfortable. Can't eat. Can't sleep. I'm beyond tired, and yet, I can still laugh. In fact, I've never felt closer to my family. I love them so much. I look a little like Santa today, which is a good thing since Christmas is only a few days away. Life as it is today--beautiful and a struggle. I can honestly say I love my life. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared that day by day I feel my life in this body fading from me. I feel my body shutting down. Now I'm having a dramatic increase in heart palpitations the last few days. Some of which are actually painful.

I would like to say that I am not dying, but of course I am. We all are. But, this is the only time in my life I feel like I could be actively moving toward death. Something is just not right. I pretend that isn't so. I don't want it to be so, and yet, when I just listen to my body, it makes me wonder.

Of course, it could just be the anxiety of waiting for this damn surgery. Hardest thing I've ever done, waiting for this surgery. I am so ready to be done with this, and yet I know I will never really be done with this. Chrohn's Disease is with me, it is part of the fabric of who I am in this body. But, I am not just this body. This I believe whole heartedly. I am essentially spirit and part of the Tapestry that is God.

I'm rambling. That too is life as it is.

Isn't amazing that one can feel so bad and yet so wonderful at the same time? Isn't it a miracle that one can experience suffering and yet see the beauty right in front of you?

Ah, the strawberry is so delicious.

Prayer... What is it Good For?

This may seem strange coming from a minister, but I don't get the point of praying or prayer. I just don't. I guess at the end of the day, I don't think there is a "being" to hear me. I do believe our energy, our story goes out into the fabric of the universe and changes things. I do believe that. I believe that my life is more than this physical shell in which I reside. But the function and form of prayer has always been a troubling road block for me in my spiritual life. Meditation I can do, sometimes, but prayer seems so fruitless. I think I need to reevaluate my definition and view of prayer. I to often associate the act of praying with this idea of magical thinking. I don't believe there is a being who delivers on my desires. I do however think there is a benefit to connecting to the fabric of the universe. Is that prayer? I don't expect anything from my prayers. Probably the biggest reason I don't "pray" I suppose.

Recently it was suggested to me that I pray with my wife about this current situation. My initial reaction was the level of vulnerability and intimacy that requires. That is something I can certainly do with my wife, but I was also aware it is a very intimate thing. I am also aware, that we haven't done it yet. I don't know the "why" of prayer. Is it connection? I can connect without prayer. Is it the concept of "ask and God will provide?" I don't really believe God works that way. So what is prayer? And why do it?

I think what I am beginning to realize is that prayer is not simply communication, it is connection. Prayer then is a piece of the puzzle of revelation in the form of one way to tell, or hear, the story of ourselves in relationship witho ourselves, each other and the fabric of the universe that is God. Perhaps, when I "pray" with my wife, I am choosing to connect with her on a deeper level. I suppose this is why that idea seemed so intimate to me. It can be more intimate than sexuality in many ways. Deeper and certainly longer lasting. Probably even more satisfying.

So, my goal is to pray a bit more. To connect with my own thoughts and feelings and those of others more deeply. By doing this I connect more deeply to the God of the universe. I believe this "energy" effects change. In some way. Does it provide me with $5 when I need it or a succesful surgery. Maybe. Maybe not. But, it does have the potential to help me feel connected which can be healing in and of itself.

So, when I say I will pray for others, I am saying I will connect with you. I will connect even when you can't. When I ask you to pray for me. I am asking you to connect with me. To offer the body of Christ to me in relationship. I am not asking for magic. But, something mystical may just happen in relationship.

Amen?!

All I Want For Christmas...

I missed going to San Antonio today for peer group. The pain and the unpredictability of my bowels has kept me from enjoying the group process with my peers. I missed an opportunity for growing and for, at the moment, support.

I had to explore the more aggressive side of me today. Had to advocate for myself. Initially I was told today that the earliest I could be seen by the doctor was January 19th. I said that was not going to work for me. I needed something sooner. I was able to get to January 3, which means I will spend Christmas and New Years waiting for the surgery. All I want for Christmas is to feel whole again.

Yet, I do feel a bit of hope. More today than the last couple. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been struggling with this phrase the last several days, "You have to think positive." I don't know what to do with that. I do think positive. But is my health dependent on positive thinking. If I'm not positive enough am I responsible for bad health or even dying. And what is positive thinking anyway? I know what I want and hope for. And, I believe it will happen. But, I am also aware that it may not happen the way I hope. I want to be honest about that and express that fear. People don't want to hear that. I feel as if I can't fully express my fear. Doing so says I'm not "staying positive." Not staying positive makes me responsible for the progression of my illness. It is a path I cannot go down. I already feel so much shame and pain emotionally surrounding this illness. I cannot take on that responsibility as well. I understand that those that love me find it difficult to acknowledge the very real possibilities out there for me. I get that. But, I also need a place to express my equally real fears about what could be so that I don't miss living in the now. I know our thinking impacts our physiology. I get that as well, but equally damaging to us is pretending nothing bad can happen or compartmentalizing our fear. That will kill me. Being positive means living fully in the now acknowledging that life and death is a mystery. Look, all I want for Christmas is to get this sick gut out of me. But, to pretend that I will definitely be here for next year's Christmas is not healthy. I acknowledge the reality and my very real fear. That is all. At the end, what will be will be. I just want to love what I got in the meantime.

Pain

Pain.

I am so done with the pain. I can hardly think straight. I can't concentrate on anything. I just want to be out of the pain. Not desperate yet, but I certainly feel like I'm on that road. I am beginning to wonder if the pain will ever end. It eats away at your soul I think. I feel so completely and utterly vulnerable right now. Completely helpless to the pain. I feel a sadness lurking inside me I have not experienced before. A darkness that eats away at my joy. Even when I experience joy in the moment it is so temporary. Run out of town by this darkness called pain. Yesterday, my birthday, I watched my daughter sing. Beautiful. I smiled like I have never smiled before. A pride that is indescribable. Yet, today, I have struggled to focus on the words of those around me. Feels like a dark cloud following me. The sun breaks through, but the clouds quickly cover the light and cast darkness upon me again. I feel very alone. I feel scared. I feel shame and guilt. I feel a deep sadness. I feel a tiredness that goes to my soul. Suddenly my goals seem a little less important, I just want to be there for my kids. No more marathons. No more supervisory training. No more anything. Just survival. But, as my wife aptly put it, we are survivors. That is what we do. I too, will survive this. And, on the other end, thrive.

Pain, eats and feeds on the soul, particularly hope. Hope is so critical and yet it is the food upon which pain, or the darkness of pain seems to feed on and diminish so quickly. The physical pain is horrible, but so is the emotional and spiritual pain I am experiencing. I feel lost without a rudder in a sea during a storm. No light to guide me. Prayer is there for me, but it does not seem to touch where I am hurting most, and this I do not understand.

So tonight, I will try to sleep, again. Tomorrow, I will take that day as it comes. Talk with my surgeon, my doctor and pray for relief soon.

Surgery

I'm not even sure what to write really. So many emotions swirling in me.

Today I learned that I have several small bowel strictures that will need to be removed surgically. This won't be an easy surgery. The tissue will also have to be examined to rule out lymphoma of the small bowel.

I spent this evening with my family at the "tower lighting" in Round Rock. It was fun despite the fact I struggled physically. Still struggling.

I'm scared and I am not at all well.
I don't even know what to think about this whole thing. I just know I feel down, scared, and uncertain about my future. Hopeful? Sure, but tempered by the reality of having Chrohn's Disease. This is the beginning of major shift in my illness trajectory. The impact on myself and my family is very real. Figuring out where my support is and where God is in this is going to be the challenge. I go to God in prayer.

Enough for now, I'm hurting too bad.