Process Notes. I guess this is the art of articulating your inner self in reflection upon an event or series of events. It is a revelation of sorts into what one is working on internally in the midst of all the external work one is doing. It is a recognition that one is more than just the actions one does but the feelings, thoughts, motivations...etc that influence those actions.
This is my task at the moment. Process notes.
This beginning part of my journey in this process is to dis-cover who I am. I guess I didn't know I was covering it up. Of course I should have known that I was. I'm feeling very vulnerable and anxious at the moment. Very insecure. Much more insecure than I anticipated so early in the process. I think the fear of the process has gotten ahead of me a bit. I have focused that fear externally to begin with. Trying to learn theory, theology and group process. What I'm finding is I need to learn a little bit more about myself. Therapy with the right person will help, but so will my own process notes. I guess that is where this blog, if I am dutiful in my utilization of it anyway, will be helpful.
So, what am I working on at the moment? What is "popping" up for me? Anger has been popping up for me. I feel angry a lot. I'm sure the prednisone I take for my Chrohn's has a bit to do with that, but I honestly don't feel it has everything to do with it. I just simply get pissed off in ways I'm not used to. I'm a bit on edge all the time lately. I'm ashamed. I'm jealous. I feel inadequate in so many ways at the moment. And, all that pisses me off so much because I don't see myself that insecure just a short time ago. Is it the process, the medication, my illness, my shadow side revealing itself, all of the above...
I guess I am trying to work out all of this anxiety. And, this is only the beginning.
Oh well, I guess I'll have a lot of process notes.
