A Fear of Falling, oops, Failing

Too often, we as flawed human beings seem to work from a place of fear rather than from a place of empowerment. Fear dictates our actions. Fear keeps us from doing the right thing and from pursuing justice with our words or in our actions. Living in fear is devastating.

I was watching my daughter yesterday live in her fear of riding her bike without the training wheels and I became extremely frustrated. Angry even. Yet, she seems paralyzed enough by her fear she will not take a risk of trying something new, no matter how much she wants to do it. Risk aversion. To me though, it doesn't seem to be connected to her fear of falling, but out of her fear of failing. Almost as if she can't KNOW she will succeed, she will not try it.

The anger and frustration I felt comes from my own risk aversion sometimes. I don't particularly like to try things that I don't think I will be successful at either. In fact, I have often sabotaged myself out of this fear. Screwing up on purpose is so much easier than screwing up on accident.

This shame stuff is really playing with me lately. When I see it in people I love, it really makes me angry. I want my children to feel free to fail and still be o.k. with themselves. I want them to be spared of the shame that is inherent, it seems for me, in failing. Then I wonder how I end up shaming them myself and perpetuate their fear of failing.

Fear of failing. I'd rather be afraid of falling.

Prayer Flags

I made a prayer flag today with the guidance of a dear friend and colleague, Stephanie. The exercise was to create a space in which I could reflect on what I need to go out into the universe. I focused of course on the beginning of this journey of CPE and decided I needed to place on the flag what I most need to remember as I go through this process. I wrote on four panels of cloth:
Live
Always
In the
Present

I then wrote a haiku on each panel using the word I highlighted on each.

I want to live full
Like a firefly in sunset
Blazing bright, yet brief
(obviously still stewing on yesterday's prophecy)

Always, not able
For all things will change and die
Yet, I choose becoming

The present is just
knowing there is no greater
present to be had

Yesterday's encounter tapped into so much fear and anxiety within me that I was not even aware of. The key word is vulnerable. I felt incredibly vulnerable. Exposed. It exposed a deeper shame than one's I have been more keenly aware of. Namely this: there is something so wrong with me, I was not even designed to live a long happy life with my family. The point of whether the prophecy is "accurate" or not is irrelevant to me. What is relevant is that it genuinely tapped into fear and shame that lives in me. I flew from that room with my tail between my legs and I am now beginning the process to learn more from this gift. The prayer flags is my start. I live in the present with this. Only there can I find joy. Tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.

A Prophecy and Other Delightful Things

A couple of years ago I had a bird land on my shoulder and stay for a while. He was just hanging out. At the time, many people said to me that it was an omen. A sign from God. What I wondered was what was it a sign of. Was it a good omen or a bad one? I'm not all that into omens to begin with, but the event was weird and rare enough that I wondered if there was a thought out there. My research turned up that a bird landing on you was a sign that you were going to die soon. Delightful.

Today while I'm visiting patients in the IMCU, I encounter a patient that states to me, "Why have you given up?" I was taken aback to say the least. Rarely at a loss for words, this time I was. I was rattled a bit for sure. I sought clarification on her statement. She tells me that my wife (whom I had not mentioned in our conversation) is meant for great things and will learn to live without me. My destiny is to prepare my kids to live without me. I can buy five more years by accepting the nurturing of my parents or I can continue to believe they are dragging me into the grave with them and die soon and leave my children without my love.

Was I just told in the context of a pastoral care visit that I am going to die soon and need to get ready? My sense is that she believes herself to be a psychic and was giving me helpful advice, and perhaps she is, even if I am not dying soon. Shouldn't I always be giving my kids the spiritual and emotional tools to live without me?

Not my best pastoral care work. I could have explored more about what this was about for her and what she was needing to tell me, but I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Perhaps what scares me is that she might be right. Maybe I have surrendered to a reality I envision for myself in ways I'm not fully aware of.

My meditation today focused on asking God for what we need. Like a parent knowing not to give a rock when our child asks for bread. God gives us so much more if only we ask. I never ask for anything in prayer. Maybe it is because I have given up. Maybe I have abandoned the notion God works that way. Or, maybe it is because I understand that I am responsible for answering my own prayers. Maybe I could begin a practice of asking for what I need. Maybe what I need is to know that for whatever time I have is time well spent with those I love. So, that is what I ask, not for more time. I will have what I will have. I just want what I have to be well spent. Amen.