Met my first committee last week here in Austin. My "Readiness" committee. I actually enjoyed the experience. I got a lot out of it. I guess I expected to get beat up and it didn't happen. So much for expectations.
I feel very aware of God's presence with me right now. I still believe in a self-emptying and vulnerable God, but one who does so in such a way that I do not have to. I don't have to be the sacrifice myself. I do not have to be the lamb for slaughter. I do not have to be the suffering servant. I can lead with the power I experience in God's gift and grace to me. That is perfectly acceptable. I have the gifts and strengths for this work, I don't need to lay myself upon the altar for either the expectation of abuse of the need for care. I am responsible for my own life and only my life and I am the author of my own story and I am understanding how that Grace of God is fully with me right now. I experience this reality in my daily life. I am deeply blessed by the love of God emptying for me. It gives me strength, it empowers me. It enlivens me to walk through the darkness of life. It helps me understand hope in the midst of great despair and hopelessness. I understand I have to get in the muck of life. Hell, I've lived it. But, perhaps, for really the first time in my life I really TRUST that grace is there. Sometimes it feels as if there is no light darkness cannot overcome. But I'm beginning to understand experiencially, at least for me in this moment, that perhaps, just perhaps, I may indeed see a light that no darkness can extinquish. Thanks be to God.
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