Voices in my Head

I had my final evaluation today of my first unit of Supervisory Education. It was very difficult for me. Not the evaluation itself so much, but the voices that were speaking in my head as I participated in it. I was very aware of some old voices telling me that I can't measure up. I felt like I failed. I knew in my head that the experience was an opportunity to learn, but I had a multitude of voices telling me that I just can't measure up. With my health, the process, the accident, the infection, my wife, my children, the loss of my car, the loss of my role in chaplaincy, the ethics case that won't end, the neverending flow of tasks to do. I am becoming overwhelmed. Not to mention that I am feeling a need for a spiritual break. A retreat. A time to just be with myself to discover who I am in relationship with God.

So, I cried. I sobbed really. A lot. The last time I cried like that I was watching Bridge to Taribithia. Before that it was Saving Private Ryan right after my dad died. So I cried.

Niebuhr talks about the Sin of Pride. One part of the sin of pride comes out of a feeling of insecurity rather than dominance. It is a self-absorption to compensate for the fact that I am insecure. The insecurity comes out of my woundedness for sure, but I compensate by chasing perfection. A pretty fruitless and self-absorbed pursuit. Of course, this pursuit is not without some beauty. I survived because of my ability to chase after being better, different than where I was from. The problem is that I am either perfect or shit. I am either worthy or not worthy at all. The dichotomy of my life is still so very strong. I would love to be able to sit with the idea that I am both saint and sinner at the same time. I am both justified and yet not yet sanctified as I live my life in reality. Niebuhr suggests, and I think I am beginning to understand, that sin and power are something that someone must understand side by side. Sin is a moving away from authentic relationship while power is a movement toward relationship, not as a negation of the individual, but in great respect for what is brought in the context of relationship, the truest expression of the authentic self. In other words, for me to be fully me, I need the other and vice versa. The sin of pride not only prevents me from seeing fully the other, but fully how the other is with me.