Evaluation

Final evaluation time. I just completed C.P.E. unit eleven. Wow, what a journey. I think you have to be just a little bit crazy to do this kind of thing and I certainly fit that description. I'm not a lot crazy, just a little bit crazy.

I'm working through a number of different things right now but the highlights are as follows:

1. Claiming my strengths. I seem to have an incessant need to highlight my struggle, my abusive past, my illness and not enough highlight the fact that I've got some real strengths like the fact that I have survived a lot of difficult things, that I chose relationships with people that guided me, that I chose to get an education, that I chose to learn about myself so that I can be a decent husband and father. Yeah, sometimes I can get passive in my life but considering what I've had to survive I think I stand up for myself pretty well. I can hold my own with most people, most of the time and not only survive but thrive in my personal and professional relationships. People tend to like me. I'm not the most charismatic person out there, but people are drawn to me because they sense that I really care about them and the world around us. I'm not apathetic at all. I'm a deep thinker with a big heart. I don't always know how I'm using them all the time, but I'm gifted with both and use both in my life and ministry. I tend to see the world too much in terms of black and white, either/or, but a benefit of this is that I have a strong sense of justice and am drawn to considering what is right or wrong. Because of this, I can be really hard on myself and others for doing the right thing. The strength for me is that I am always pushing myself to learn, grow and be better.
2. Theologically, I am still working on articulating my belief around how God is active in the world, where I see grace in my life and in the life of others and what really is the nitty gritty of sin. I want to continue working on articulating how God is in relationship with us in our sinful nature, our distortion. Exactly who are we outside of our distortions? Grace is accepting of us but it is also a call to justice and to love. Where do I see God in my story and what do I do with that. I think I am really on the edge of a theological breakthrough here and hope to write about that in the blog more and more. Plus, if I can't understand how my theology impacts my work with students and patients, it is not all that useful to me. At the moment, I'm not sure I can really articulate that very well.
3. Living with chronic illness. Learning to be whole and broken at the same time is a new way of looking at life. We are either broken or whole. It never occured to me that we can be both at the same time. Understanding that will go a long way for me to use this experience as a resource for my ministry. I can not escape my illness, but I can understand my self and my relationships in midst of that better and to use the reality of this experience to help me understand God deeper and to understand who we are in relationship with God deeper.

As I go into a new unit, a new year, and face major surgery, these are three things I hope to work on. This has been a difficult year in many ways, but a rewarding one is many other ways. I have learned and grown a lot. My body has failed me in many ways, but my spirit has strengthened. I pray that this next year is one full of continued learning. I have a feeling that there is no way that it can't be.