Today I am reminded of the Zen koan of the delicious strawberry. Hanging between two tigers, I find myself reaching for the strawberry and enjoying its delicious taste!
So, my stomach has grown to the size of a small mountain. My belly is very distended and I am very uncomfortable. Can't eat. Can't sleep. I'm beyond tired, and yet, I can still laugh. In fact, I've never felt closer to my family. I love them so much. I look a little like Santa today, which is a good thing since Christmas is only a few days away. Life as it is today--beautiful and a struggle. I can honestly say I love my life. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared that day by day I feel my life in this body fading from me. I feel my body shutting down. Now I'm having a dramatic increase in heart palpitations the last few days. Some of which are actually painful.
I would like to say that I am not dying, but of course I am. We all are. But, this is the only time in my life I feel like I could be actively moving toward death. Something is just not right. I pretend that isn't so. I don't want it to be so, and yet, when I just listen to my body, it makes me wonder.
Of course, it could just be the anxiety of waiting for this damn surgery. Hardest thing I've ever done, waiting for this surgery. I am so ready to be done with this, and yet I know I will never really be done with this. Chrohn's Disease is with me, it is part of the fabric of who I am in this body. But, I am not just this body. This I believe whole heartedly. I am essentially spirit and part of the Tapestry that is God.
I'm rambling. That too is life as it is.
Isn't amazing that one can feel so bad and yet so wonderful at the same time? Isn't it a miracle that one can experience suffering and yet see the beauty right in front of you?
Ah, the strawberry is so delicious.
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