Pain

Pain.

I am so done with the pain. I can hardly think straight. I can't concentrate on anything. I just want to be out of the pain. Not desperate yet, but I certainly feel like I'm on that road. I am beginning to wonder if the pain will ever end. It eats away at your soul I think. I feel so completely and utterly vulnerable right now. Completely helpless to the pain. I feel a sadness lurking inside me I have not experienced before. A darkness that eats away at my joy. Even when I experience joy in the moment it is so temporary. Run out of town by this darkness called pain. Yesterday, my birthday, I watched my daughter sing. Beautiful. I smiled like I have never smiled before. A pride that is indescribable. Yet, today, I have struggled to focus on the words of those around me. Feels like a dark cloud following me. The sun breaks through, but the clouds quickly cover the light and cast darkness upon me again. I feel very alone. I feel scared. I feel shame and guilt. I feel a deep sadness. I feel a tiredness that goes to my soul. Suddenly my goals seem a little less important, I just want to be there for my kids. No more marathons. No more supervisory training. No more anything. Just survival. But, as my wife aptly put it, we are survivors. That is what we do. I too, will survive this. And, on the other end, thrive.

Pain, eats and feeds on the soul, particularly hope. Hope is so critical and yet it is the food upon which pain, or the darkness of pain seems to feed on and diminish so quickly. The physical pain is horrible, but so is the emotional and spiritual pain I am experiencing. I feel lost without a rudder in a sea during a storm. No light to guide me. Prayer is there for me, but it does not seem to touch where I am hurting most, and this I do not understand.

So tonight, I will try to sleep, again. Tomorrow, I will take that day as it comes. Talk with my surgeon, my doctor and pray for relief soon.